Hmmm
I haven't, in a very long time, written about our daily lives with my husbands disabilities. We watched Dr. Phil the other day, as my husband enjoys watching Dr. Phil. Anyway, it was about a couple who the wife just got diagnosed with MS. The husband was still in and still loved her but was saddened and frustrated. He even said he didn't sign up for this. I don't know how many times I've said that myself. Or how many times I've felt he used his disability to get out of doing things. Guy said the same thing about his wife. I so saw where the guy was coming from. In some ways, I am that guy.
Funniest thing is, R saw the guys side too. He said he could see where it would seem like whenever he wanted to do anything, he always had the energy for it but whenever I wanted to do anything, he never could. He saw how that would make the guy feel in regards to his wife or me in regards to him. It opened up an honest conversation between us. Sometimes it really is frustrating that when he wants to go look for something at store or go to a store he has all kinds of energy. But when I want to go somewhere, he can't. He explained that when he gets the urge to do something it's never in the future, it's that day. He gets up and takes stock in how he's feeling and goes from there. It's the Spoon Theory that explains it best he said. I found that for him awhile ago. I said maybe sometimes on that day the wife could say to her husband, or you could say to me, what would you like to do today? I'm up for something that would take six spoons today. That would make it so not every good day would be spent on what he wants only. He agreed.
I get the spoon theory. I get how the spoon theory works. But it doesn't diminish my frustration over how hard it all is and how it continues to change. I was very angry that Dr. Phil was telling the husband that he was making his wives symptoms worse. I also didn't like when he said that doesn't sound like he took the for better or worse vow seriously. You know, it's easy to sit on the outside and look in and say this is how you should handle this and this is how you should handle that. Don't get upset that your life has changed dramatically. Don't get upset that the plans you had for the future are now gone and have to be rethought out. Don't get frustrated with your loved ones new diagnosis, just smile and say okay, great. Not that easy. Seriously not that easy.
Some days it's very frustrating and it's not he himself that makes me angry. It's the disease process. It's the way our lives have changed. It's the things I now have to do because he no longer can. It's the way our children's lives have changed. It's the way my son learned to throw a ball by me and not his father. It's the way I had to teach him to ride a bike. It's the way the depression of this has taken the father they knew away. My daughter went to school one day and came home to a fathers arm wrapped in a huge bandage and things have never been the same. But Dr. Phil says to eat all that and focus on the disabled one. You're wrong Dr. Phil. Sometimes you need to focus on the rest of the family. Sometimes you need to express how angry you are at it all. Sometimes you need to be able to say this is NOT what I signed up for and to know it's okay to say that. Because you know what, it's NOT what I signed up for. But it's what we have and we live with it.
I love him and don't want to imagine my life without him. If not for our friends upstairs introducing us to her doctor, I don't think he'd still be here with us.
By saying I didn't sign up for this, it doesn't mean I'm out of here, it doesn't mean I'm not in for a penny in for a pound, it means this isn't what I thought our lives would be like. That's all end of story. So Dr. Phil, you're not always right!
Funniest thing is, R saw the guys side too. He said he could see where it would seem like whenever he wanted to do anything, he always had the energy for it but whenever I wanted to do anything, he never could. He saw how that would make the guy feel in regards to his wife or me in regards to him. It opened up an honest conversation between us. Sometimes it really is frustrating that when he wants to go look for something at store or go to a store he has all kinds of energy. But when I want to go somewhere, he can't. He explained that when he gets the urge to do something it's never in the future, it's that day. He gets up and takes stock in how he's feeling and goes from there. It's the Spoon Theory that explains it best he said. I found that for him awhile ago. I said maybe sometimes on that day the wife could say to her husband, or you could say to me, what would you like to do today? I'm up for something that would take six spoons today. That would make it so not every good day would be spent on what he wants only. He agreed.
I get the spoon theory. I get how the spoon theory works. But it doesn't diminish my frustration over how hard it all is and how it continues to change. I was very angry that Dr. Phil was telling the husband that he was making his wives symptoms worse. I also didn't like when he said that doesn't sound like he took the for better or worse vow seriously. You know, it's easy to sit on the outside and look in and say this is how you should handle this and this is how you should handle that. Don't get upset that your life has changed dramatically. Don't get upset that the plans you had for the future are now gone and have to be rethought out. Don't get frustrated with your loved ones new diagnosis, just smile and say okay, great. Not that easy. Seriously not that easy.
Some days it's very frustrating and it's not he himself that makes me angry. It's the disease process. It's the way our lives have changed. It's the things I now have to do because he no longer can. It's the way our children's lives have changed. It's the way my son learned to throw a ball by me and not his father. It's the way I had to teach him to ride a bike. It's the way the depression of this has taken the father they knew away. My daughter went to school one day and came home to a fathers arm wrapped in a huge bandage and things have never been the same. But Dr. Phil says to eat all that and focus on the disabled one. You're wrong Dr. Phil. Sometimes you need to focus on the rest of the family. Sometimes you need to express how angry you are at it all. Sometimes you need to be able to say this is NOT what I signed up for and to know it's okay to say that. Because you know what, it's NOT what I signed up for. But it's what we have and we live with it.
I love him and don't want to imagine my life without him. If not for our friends upstairs introducing us to her doctor, I don't think he'd still be here with us.
By saying I didn't sign up for this, it doesn't mean I'm out of here, it doesn't mean I'm not in for a penny in for a pound, it means this isn't what I thought our lives would be like. That's all end of story. So Dr. Phil, you're not always right!
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