Married life, compromise without compromising yourself
I love my husband very much. However for years I’ve allowed my husband to control things. Not so much like he’s a heavy handed abusive dick, it’s more along the lines of him having phobias and fears and me allowing his phobias and fears to turn me in to a recluse. I stopped going places I stopped doing things. I closed myself up in the house with him. Just me and him, 24 hours a day. We wouldn’t visit my family in the next state over, we wouldn’t visit his family. The only time I’d get out is when his parents came to take us, because they wouldn’t take no for an answer, at that time anyway. I’d say it was only since his disability, however, it has been ongoing before that, it has simply amplified since he became disabled. I missed family Christmas parties, birthday parties and other big events. Why? Because my husband did not want to go and I had no way to get there unless he did.
The events I did manage to drag him to could be miserable because I would always worry about whether he was having fun or not. Was he comfortable? Was he miserable? Did he ask these things of me? No he didn’t. But it didn’t change how I felt.So in my house I sat, miserable and lonely. I used to say to him, just wait until I get my license things will change, I can tell you that right now. But no steps were ever taken to get me my license, by him or by me. Not that I could have driven myself over there. He had fears about me driving. Deep down inside he had the fear that if I finally got my license I’d leave him. Then again, it would probably be because I’d say it, especially when upset. Sometimes I’d say oh man, when I get my license things are going to change. Then he ended up disabled and it got even worse, I couldn’t even live vicariously through him. He was home all the time too. He didn’t go to work either. I just sat in the house and slowly compromised who I was. I started to resent him. He’s not a perfect angel in all this. He played his role as well. He let me compromise myself because it became comfortable.
Imagine having a wife that just sat at home and could only go places if you took her. Couldn’t even leave him if I wanted to, he’d have to drive me. Sometimes I’d call my sis, a niece or nephew or someone to come get me, but even then, I was not able to go where I wanted, when I wanted.Then I went to school, and then I got a job. A life outside the husband and family. Co-workers, friends and so on. After two years of working and with much encouragement especially from my husband, I got my drivers license. It has opened up a whole new world for me. I can go where ever I want, whenever I want. I go to family Christmas parties if I want and now it’s up to him if he wants to come or not. He doesn’t have to go. So, in a way, it has opened up a freedom to us both!! Things have changed, but not in the way I used to say/threaten.
Here’s how it works, I get a phone call from my niece, Auntie were having a birthday party for both Nana and me, we’d like you to come. I turn to my husband, honey they’re having a birthday party would you like to go? He said not really. I say okay. I then drive with the kids down to the party. No hard feelings, it’s okay that he doesn’t want to go, large gatherings are not for him. I thrive in them when surrounded by family anyways. Then I get home and tell him all about while lying in bed with him cuddling. The compromise is, now he doesn’t have to go because it’s the only way I can go, and I don’t have to stay home because he doesn’t want to go. I get what I want he gets what he wants and we still have each other. I don’t mind that he doesn’t like to come, he doesn’t mind that I like to go without him. May not work for everyone but it works for us!
The events I did manage to drag him to could be miserable because I would always worry about whether he was having fun or not. Was he comfortable? Was he miserable? Did he ask these things of me? No he didn’t. But it didn’t change how I felt.So in my house I sat, miserable and lonely. I used to say to him, just wait until I get my license things will change, I can tell you that right now. But no steps were ever taken to get me my license, by him or by me. Not that I could have driven myself over there. He had fears about me driving. Deep down inside he had the fear that if I finally got my license I’d leave him. Then again, it would probably be because I’d say it, especially when upset. Sometimes I’d say oh man, when I get my license things are going to change. Then he ended up disabled and it got even worse, I couldn’t even live vicariously through him. He was home all the time too. He didn’t go to work either. I just sat in the house and slowly compromised who I was. I started to resent him. He’s not a perfect angel in all this. He played his role as well. He let me compromise myself because it became comfortable.
Imagine having a wife that just sat at home and could only go places if you took her. Couldn’t even leave him if I wanted to, he’d have to drive me. Sometimes I’d call my sis, a niece or nephew or someone to come get me, but even then, I was not able to go where I wanted, when I wanted.Then I went to school, and then I got a job. A life outside the husband and family. Co-workers, friends and so on. After two years of working and with much encouragement especially from my husband, I got my drivers license. It has opened up a whole new world for me. I can go where ever I want, whenever I want. I go to family Christmas parties if I want and now it’s up to him if he wants to come or not. He doesn’t have to go. So, in a way, it has opened up a freedom to us both!! Things have changed, but not in the way I used to say/threaten.
Here’s how it works, I get a phone call from my niece, Auntie were having a birthday party for both Nana and me, we’d like you to come. I turn to my husband, honey they’re having a birthday party would you like to go? He said not really. I say okay. I then drive with the kids down to the party. No hard feelings, it’s okay that he doesn’t want to go, large gatherings are not for him. I thrive in them when surrounded by family anyways. Then I get home and tell him all about while lying in bed with him cuddling. The compromise is, now he doesn’t have to go because it’s the only way I can go, and I don’t have to stay home because he doesn’t want to go. I get what I want he gets what he wants and we still have each other. I don’t mind that he doesn’t like to come, he doesn’t mind that I like to go without him. May not work for everyone but it works for us!
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