Mothers Day celebration without a Mom..

Mother's Day is tomorrow and it's the first Mother's Day I will celebrate without Paul's mother. There have been so many things that I have had to celebrate without her and something is missing. It's so obvious you can feel it. You can't put your hand on it. It's just missing her presence. Now I'm not about to get in to the whole what do you believe thing, because it's not about that. It's truly not. What it's about is my loss of her effecting so many things in my life. Even just the day to day stuff. But this is a day specifically for her, being my mother and all and tomorrows being Mother's Day.

Our relationship was not perfect. Sometimes when hanging up after talking with her I wanted to ram a crochet hook up my nose, rip my brain out and slap it against the wall. Not totally unusual for a child to feel that way after talking to their mother. I loved her, I still love her. Every single moment of every single day. When ever something happens, I think to call her first. I used to call her on morning break to see what trouble her and her gang were getting in to that day. I still want to call her. I still want to pick up the phone and call her about life in general. I want to hear her say, "Why did you dye your hair ass brown?" Which of course I didn't. I want to hear her voice even if it's only to say mayonnaise makes me bleed out my pores. I want her to cuddle up next to me on the couch, telling me to look at her feet. Which is weird because I hate feet. I want her to call me and yell at me about her neighbor that annoyed her, that cock sucker. I want to hear her voice, I want to touch her, to smell her smell. To sit at the table rolling grape leaves together with the kids. You want to eat it, and of course you wanted to eat her stuffed grape leaves, you get your ass out here and roll them with me.

Sometimes, late at night, just before I fall asleep, I swear I can feel her around me. I am lucky, I have a few short home movies, a bunch of pictures and a ton of memories. I hold on to those, sometimes it's all that keeps me from losing my shit.

I love you Mommie, MEAN IT!

Comments

Denise said…
I miss Paul's Mother too. Obviously not the way you do, but life just is not the same without hearing about her.
May 10, 2009 at 2:42 PM
Anonymous said…
I miss hearing about Paul's mother too. She and you used to make me really laugh out loud. {{{{{{Em}}}}}}.


Ooops it's so long since I signed into blogger I have forgotten my log in details.
May 11, 2009 at 5:42 AM
Mr. Mr said…
reading that made me tear up a bit. glad you are holding on strong and haven't lost it, i would've been tossed in the loony bin by now
May 11, 2009 at 10:22 PM
Anonymous said…
I miss Pauls mother, She was my mother too. I miss those outrageous things that used to shoot from her mouth. I used to go for coffee every tuesday morning and have lunch "3 cource meal" she loved watching cooking shows. I loved when she would crank up her boom box and sing off tune and make up her own words. I miss the craziness of being called to customer service at walmart because she wrapped the lark around the clothing rack and couldnt free it. I loved the way she would stand in the supermarket reading the ingredients off saying this causes this poisoning and this makes my skin peel and lift in in layers. most of all I miss my Mommie.......angel fish
May 17, 2009 at 11:00 PM
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