Moms graveside service..

Today was a beautiful Autumn Day in New England. The temperature was just right. The wind was blowing gently. It was the right day to bury my mother, and so we did. We have a lovely family run graveside service. We read aloud the 23 Psalm, my mothers favorite. My sister brought a dozen balloons and we all wrote messages on them. After I read the Psalm, we released the balloons in the air. They were white balloons but somehow looked black against the white clouds. We watched them until they were smaller than dots in the sky. We watched until we could no longer see them. We were all supposed to go to the Pub 99 to eat. Unfortunately, my Aunt and Uncle couldn't go because they were broke. I would have paid for them but somehow it seemed wrong to suggest. My niece K couldn't go as she had places she needed to be. Im not sure what happened with my sister and the man but since her and I came up with the plan, it sorta sucked that she couldn't make it. That made me cry so I left quickly so as to not let everyone see me balling. Some of us continued on to Pub 99 for lunch. Patty, Rita, my nephew John, my great nephew Aiden and my family all went. The food was delicious and the conversation was light. We talked about Nana, Mommie, Mom, the Old Lady and it was good. In a few weeks her headstone will be in place and the hard part is all done. Now it's just getting on with the getting on.

I went to my doctor yesterday and on the way over I obsessed and festered over telling him everything. By everything, I mean EVERYTHING from birth on up. Not just what's been going in the past six months since I've seen him, but EVERYTHING. I say it that way because it carries more weight. By that I mean all that has happened since shortly after my birth. I won't get in to it all, because lately, I've been reliving it in my head over and over an unexpected side effect of my mother's passing. Who knew that would happen? It's not something I'm ready to put out for all to see. I told him everything, I told him how I obsessed about telling him everything. I told him I trusted him and it took awhile but I felt I could tell him anything. He said he was very happy to hear I was comfortable and he was there for me. I started from the beginning and went on and on. I told him I was overwhelmed and he said he was overwhelmed listening to it all, he couldn't imagine having to live it all. He knows I use humor to diffuse so he does. It worked well. He was wonderful and prescribed me counseling and ativan. I told him I'd let him know regarding the counseling but the ativan was a wonderful idea. I have gone for therapy and counseling before, do you know what it does to you when the person you've just thrown your guts out on the table to looks at you and says," I can't handle this. You're going to have to see someone else." Yes please, let me leave here all raw and go find someone that can handle it. But I digress. Which I sometimes do. The bottom line is, it was a beautiful day.