Orphaned, at 41

So I have been asked numerous times over the past week, how do you feel? Well that's a multi levelled question to which there is no one answer. How do I feel? Well it depends on the moment.

Tonight while at Radio Shack when the girl was smacking an emery board against her hand over and over and over and over while talking snarky about someone else, I was full of rage. I wanted to rip the emery board from her hands and beat her to death with it. Of course an emery board is such a small instrument, it would have taken a lot more time than I was willing to invest in a criminal activity.

The other night, when I couldn't find my pen and cried hysterically over it, well at that point I felt overwhelmed and anxious. In the fifteen minutes it took me to find the pen, the feelings were very intense. (Btw before anyone says it, I realize this is misplaced emotions but it was soooo about the pen too.)

I go between emotions like most people change the channel on their television. The truth of how I feel is this, I feel orphaned at 41. I know how ridiculous that sounds, even when it left my lips the first time, I was taken aback. Really? Orphaned? But it's true. I feel orphaned, without family or home. I feel lost, misplaced and alone. I knew my place in this world based on my mother. (Not on my father, no patriarchy there.) She was not the perfect mother by any means, but she was not the most horrible either. There were flashes of brilliance in our childhoods. In fact, over the past few years, there were more and more flashes of brilliance. Watching her with my children, allowed me to see my mother through all new eyes. My kids absolutely loved her. HJ called her for everything. I do mean everything too. Nana was her sounding board, her best friend and her best advocate. D-Man loved his time with Nana or even watching games on TV while chatting with her on the phone. This whole thing just sucks.

So how do I feel? Beats me.