Words echo....
Yesterday at work, yes I'm writing about work, I told one of my patients that she is beautiful. She said no I'm not, I'm over 80 years old. I said yes you are beautiful, now own it. We walked a bit more and she stopped me and said I made her week with that comment. She said she has always suffered from very low self-esteem because when she was younger some boys came to the house and she answered the door and they said,"we're here to see the pretty sister." OUCH! Those words stuck with her well in to her 80's. Words that four teenage boys said on one sunny summer afternoon were still with her all these years later. As we walked up the hallway, others also told her how beautiful she looked that day. If you could have seen her shine.
I know that she's not the only person. I know this happens to men as well as women. I know because I hear those words too. When I get all dressed up, put on some make-up and look in the mirror I hear those words too. "She's pretty for a chubby girl." "Why aren't you petite like your sisters?" "What happened to you?" The Bucky Beaver comments in school because my adult front teeth were huge. Those words echo in your head and eat away at you. It's worse when they're said by your parents but no matter how they enter your head, they hurt. I know I have horrible self esteem. I make jokes about it, like I'm too cute for jail. Or you know I'm hot. But inside, inside my head I feel ugly. Fat and ugly. A drunken family member once told a group of people with me in the room that she couldn't figure out why I didn't have a lot of boyfriends because I was very pretty for a fat girl. Pretty for a fat girl? At that time I was 5'4" and weighed 130 pounds. Weight conversations were a daily part of our upbringing. I knew my mother's weight better than I knew my own. At 4'10" she weighed 105 pounds at her heaviest. In fact, my ex brother in law would ask my mother whenever he saw her, how much you weigh now Elaine? That's how much of a daily fact of life it was.
But here I was, telling this woman to own her beauty. Something I can't do. My husband has never once made a reference to my weight. He has never once called me fat. I have attacked him with that I'm so fat conversation over and over in our 24 years together. Or I look like a pinch faced weasel. He has loved me every single day and found me beautiful every single day of those 24 years and still, those words echo.
I know that she's not the only person. I know this happens to men as well as women. I know because I hear those words too. When I get all dressed up, put on some make-up and look in the mirror I hear those words too. "She's pretty for a chubby girl." "Why aren't you petite like your sisters?" "What happened to you?" The Bucky Beaver comments in school because my adult front teeth were huge. Those words echo in your head and eat away at you. It's worse when they're said by your parents but no matter how they enter your head, they hurt. I know I have horrible self esteem. I make jokes about it, like I'm too cute for jail. Or you know I'm hot. But inside, inside my head I feel ugly. Fat and ugly. A drunken family member once told a group of people with me in the room that she couldn't figure out why I didn't have a lot of boyfriends because I was very pretty for a fat girl. Pretty for a fat girl? At that time I was 5'4" and weighed 130 pounds. Weight conversations were a daily part of our upbringing. I knew my mother's weight better than I knew my own. At 4'10" she weighed 105 pounds at her heaviest. In fact, my ex brother in law would ask my mother whenever he saw her, how much you weigh now Elaine? That's how much of a daily fact of life it was.
But here I was, telling this woman to own her beauty. Something I can't do. My husband has never once made a reference to my weight. He has never once called me fat. I have attacked him with that I'm so fat conversation over and over in our 24 years together. Or I look like a pinch faced weasel. He has loved me every single day and found me beautiful every single day of those 24 years and still, those words echo.
Comments