In three days...

In three days Paul's Mother will have been gone two years. TWO YEARS? Where does time go? No, seriously I mean this! Where the hell does time go? Sometimes, it feels like just yesterday I got the news that Paul's mother was gone. In other ways, it feels like forever. I still call her number on occasion, especially when I get good news. I get the "this number is no longer in service" which sucks, because I know that she's gone. I'd still  like to call and talk with her.  Course I'd probably be banging my head and eating chocolate when I was done, but it's a price I'd be willing to pay. She'd probably be bitching about her neighbors or complaining about her bowel movements. But I'd listen. Just to hear her voice.

 Paul's Mother was Nana to all her grand kids and great grand kids. They all love her so much. Heather shows Lana-Rose pictures of her Nana-Boo and tells her stories of her.  Like when we all painted with finger paints and ended up painting our faces and bodies too.  We can hear her voice because we do have a few videos we can watch and I can almost watch one now without sobbing uncontrollably. Almost, but not quite. In one of the videos we took, I say to her "say hi Nana". She waves and says "Hi Nana." That's it I lose my shit all over the place. Gets me every time, shoot I'm crying right now while I'm writing about it. Lana-Rose looks up at me and smiles when I cry over the video. They would have loved each other Nana-Boo and Lana-Rose. They would have been the best of friends. I think they'd be about the same height right now. I miss the crazy old woman and it's not fair. Some how my evil father gets to walk around spreading his poison and that's fine. But the crazy old woman who finally got help and started taking meds, who finally learned to breathe now and again, who loved long rides and baby pigs is gone. I can't call her in the middle of the night to tell her I found my stamps. I used to tell her you made me neurotic now you can listen to my neurosis in the middle of the night. She'd say it's okay, I'm up that time anyway with my own neurosis.

I miss my Mommie and two years later it still hurts that she's gone. I talk about her a lot and I think sometimes I drive my co-workers crazy, but I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she's gone. That it's  really true. I know it, my heart knows it, my head knows it, but sometimes, it's just hard. Tonight is one of those hard nights. I love you Mommie Dearest, Mean it!