Did you get your closure?
This past weekend I took a trip. It sounds so simple when you say it, I took a trip. Only there was so much more to it than just jumping in a vehicle and driving. There was preparation involved. See, I went to my Father's grave. There is a history there, a history some day I will tell on here. Today is not the day. Today is a writing about the ending, for now. We got in my sister's Ford Escape (cute how we both drive black Ford Escapes) and we started the journey down to Cape Cod, more precisely to the Veterans Cemetery in Bourne, Massachusetts. It was a long ride, but a good ride especially considering the circumstances. We knew where we were going and how we were getting there but not what would happen once we arrived. The good part is, we had each other. My sister and I have gone through a few family deaths this way. The death of our sister, the death of my mother, hand in hand. Holding on to each other with our brother in our hearts. For he's with us too even though he lives so far away. We go to get this closure for all of us. My daughter and her daughter came with us. A support system better than anyone could ever ask for or have!
We arrive and look through the archives for his grave site, he's not listed. Panic and then calm, of course there must be an updated archive some where. There was, his name is found. Your breath catches in your throat. You suck in air and feel as though you'll never get enough. Am I drowning? No, my sister is there. We are okay, we can do this. We look at each other and say, "let's go find Dad." As if this is a normal every day thing.
We go to where we believe he is buried. We look at all the names and don't see him. We recheck the picture I took of the archive, we are in the wrong section. We all go back to the Escape and regain our breath. This is harder than I thought. We find the right section and start looking again. I am the first to reach his grave. First words out of my mouth,"you sick fuck." About sums him up. Then we all stand and look. It's real. The evil, although my husband tells me he's not evil, he's just a moral-less man, is truly gone. It's buried in hallowed ground. Will he stain the ground? Thoughts swirl. I come here for clarity, for closure. I sit beside his grave and think. I honestly think about forgiveness. I let it bounce around my head and in my heart. Johnny so patient and kind to take us on this trip asks my sister if I'm okay. She says that I'm just thinking.
I jump up and yell," FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU! There is no forgiveness in me. I can't forgive you. I thought that once you were gone I could, but I can't. That's up to God to give you forgiveness if he chooses. You'll find none from me." You can never do us or another harm again. My heart lightens. I cried no tears for you. You do not deserve my tears.
We leave the place where you are buried. We go to make good memories at the beach of our youth. You know what happened? We did. We made amazing memories, memories of love and laughter.
We arrive and look through the archives for his grave site, he's not listed. Panic and then calm, of course there must be an updated archive some where. There was, his name is found. Your breath catches in your throat. You suck in air and feel as though you'll never get enough. Am I drowning? No, my sister is there. We are okay, we can do this. We look at each other and say, "let's go find Dad." As if this is a normal every day thing.
We go to where we believe he is buried. We look at all the names and don't see him. We recheck the picture I took of the archive, we are in the wrong section. We all go back to the Escape and regain our breath. This is harder than I thought. We find the right section and start looking again. I am the first to reach his grave. First words out of my mouth,"you sick fuck." About sums him up. Then we all stand and look. It's real. The evil, although my husband tells me he's not evil, he's just a moral-less man, is truly gone. It's buried in hallowed ground. Will he stain the ground? Thoughts swirl. I come here for clarity, for closure. I sit beside his grave and think. I honestly think about forgiveness. I let it bounce around my head and in my heart. Johnny so patient and kind to take us on this trip asks my sister if I'm okay. She says that I'm just thinking.
I jump up and yell," FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU! There is no forgiveness in me. I can't forgive you. I thought that once you were gone I could, but I can't. That's up to God to give you forgiveness if he chooses. You'll find none from me." You can never do us or another harm again. My heart lightens. I cried no tears for you. You do not deserve my tears.
We leave the place where you are buried. We go to make good memories at the beach of our youth. You know what happened? We did. We made amazing memories, memories of love and laughter.
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